Post by timidlady on Nov 23, 2013 20:07:50 GMT -5
I am fasting right now. I need help so I guess just pray for me, if you feel like it. I became LDS about five years ago. I havent been home in a few years. I've been speaking with missionaries. The thing is, there are things I just don't understand. I feel Ive been sorely tested. When I went for my first temple recommend interview, my bishop told me I needed to be Jewish during the interview. I agreed. Fine by me. My son is Jewish. He was by the technicalities of law, a product of rape. A little victim. So I feel pretty good about my Jewish ties, raising my rape baby in a serious pro life way. He gave me my temple recommend to have the stake president sign it. It designated me as male. Yeah. I giggle a little now, but it was kind of offensive. My body, I'm a woman. I am a woman forever. God screams it, you can't even understand how woman i am to God. When I was twelve, I baptized into the reformed church on Mother's Day. 9 years later, when I was 21 my son was born on Mother's Day, 5/9/99. It is perfectly beautiful. My older son was born on 9/11. Those two dates were the local lottery numbers on the day of my baptism into the LDS CHURCH. 9911. God, He is here with me. It hurt, the male designation. I carried the temple recommend in my pocket for the longest time. Over a year. I never said a word about it until recently. It's funny because I thought the bishop knew what he did. The very next week I was called to teach in the women's relief society. I thought, Well, maybe I'm confused exactly what class you think I belong in. Maybe the priesthood? Either that, or you are attempting to hand me KEYS, which may not be wise considering my ethereal signs. I don't want them. I would rather have a really great guy to go with those keys. The best ever. I was raped by a man that loved i was mormon (I guess to him, polygamy meant many wives you TAKE). I abstained from sacrament at the bishop's direction (i am so agreeable) and when I was abstaining someone tried to tell me to partake of the sacrament. So I hadn't been to church in a really long time. I taught class for a long time, but I loved the temple. I had been there only once. I can't drive. They are far away. Recently when speaking with the missionaries I decided to start to tithe. I thought maybe I could make myself feel like it was a church I belonged to if I was paying for it. I mailed them in. One of my checks was never cashed. I can't belong somewhere where people play I SEE like God did. No way can anyone ever trump God at I SEE games. We communicate, Heavenly Father and myself. My boys births. Even my own. I was born on the anniversary of the death of my Uncle. He knew me before I was born and He will know me after. All of these things we play out are His. All things. My brother died not long ago, of lung cancer. I fasted to ask for his suffering to be eased. My friend was dying also. The first day of my fast, my friend died. Three days later at her funeral, I learned my brother died. It was a bittersweet, beautiful answer to my prayer from God Himself. He is here with me. I am certain. When I fast, He will hear my prayers. He knows what I seek. I want to know, is this my church? I want to be home. I want my guy to come because he's out there and where is he, any ways?!? He's late or I am early. I don't know but I'm awfully alone, here. Wondering what the true church is and where is my guy? And yes, I heard the talks at last general conference. All women do not have their guy. I can't believe God would leave me alone like that, to sit and ponder. Not with the amazing, touching ways He reaches me. I just feel like there's someone for me, too. To help me with this struggle of the where and all that. I guess I was quiet about these things for a long time and I'm not going to be any more. I believe in honesty. I don't hide me, not ever. So that's why I came, I suppose. For prayer while I stroll around the Internet to see if something Catches my attention and I found you. Please pray with me. I am asking and I am diligently and earnestly seeking. It just seems like the only real answer would be from God. Thank you.